June 17th, 2008

06-17-08 [Tuesday]

My great grandpa Pablo passed away on the sixth.
That day was going alright some bothersome things were on my mind, but still, David and Tammy came over, we just chilled for a bit, then they left and I just sat on my bed and started talking to Hero on the phone, he told me he'd call me back, and five minutes after I hung up with him my sister rushed down the stairs at first I was confused, her face was read and puffy, "Andrez get ready, we're going to grandma's house, Grandpa Pablo passed away"
I didn't cry.
There was no way he was dead.
I fell back on my bed and my eyes were suddenly hot. Still no tears, just hot.
Not too long I had been whining and complaining about a problem that didn't have to big of a problem in the first place, almost bringing myself to tears, but this didn't.
I put my phone in my pocket and got ready to leave.
Mom was crying, her voice cracking as she was talking to grandma on the phone, Uribi was also crying, I was the only one who was functioning through dry eyes.
We got in the phone and thoughts just bomb rushed me.
I realized how pathetic I was, how can I be so cold as to not have any emotion to my great grandfather dying. That man had been there for me when there were no other men to look up to in Venezuela. He spoiled me rotten when no one else would. And I just sat there...staring. And when he called. I had been so pathetic, lazy, and ignorant to the fact that I wanted to talk less as possible or, God forbid, I'd actually have to go out of my way to speak more Spanish. The thought sickened me. It still does. My stomach was got and I started to feel angry with myself. I started to realize how bad of a family member I really was. I'm aware of the fact that I'm a bad friend, even a bad family member, but I didn't know I was that horrible.
We finally reached my grandma's house and my uncle opened the door.
His face also read and puffy, his eyes slightly squinting, he hugged my mom and my sister, the sighed in shudders releasing the breaths they've been holding in, trying not to cry. I'm still just watching.
Then everyone goes to grandma, who's had it the worst...so then when everyone's done hugging her, it's my turn. The moment I just hugged her, the breakdown started... I could feel everything in my chest just implode.
After a while of just releasing all I've kept, I sat on the couch and just looked at the floor, I couldn't make eye contact. Eventually I headed towards the bathroom to wash my face when I remembered about Hero calling me and how Sudney and Dre had been texting me. I check the phone and I have missed calls and texts. I respond back to the texts and the calls weren't just from Hero, I guess K Sizzle called me, I had forgotten that we needed to talk.
I needed to talk to someone other than my family and so I just walked to the little area around the block and I just sat there. I called Katie an I felt bad that I was calling her late at night, and I still couldn't breathe or talk, and I broke down again. I realized that I probably shouldn't have even tried calling in the first place but she kept saying that she didn't mind.
Then mom texted me saying I had to come back, so I hung up with her and went back there to see Aunty was at home from being out with Joe. So an hour passes by and we get home and mom just goes to her room, Uribi goes to hers and I realized I had to call K Sizzle back, and since it was one in the morning and she just has a house phone I was a little hesitant. But I called anyways and we slightly talked and it was nice to know that I could call her during ridiculous hours and she'd still help me out. But I was keeping her up, she needed sleep even though she didn't want to admit it, so I just told her I'd try to sleep, which was also true.
But I couldn't sleep then, an hour passed, maybe then I slept.

A lot has happened since then.
I've come to realize I'm still a bit...emotional I suppose, but not to where I'll start crying.
I've apologized to the six people.
And I know that just apologizing isn't going to change everything.
I know that it's going to take more than just some words and a blink of an eye and, hey, look at that, I could careless what happened between there and now, come here friend.
That's not going to happen. I know I'm still not liked, I'm still hated or whatever it is they want to say, and I'm not hurt by it. It doesn't bother me, I know why they do, physical pain isn't brought upon me because of their feelings, it just is.
I was hesitant at first about apologizing, I didn't want to do it and then they think I was doing it in search of pity. I didn't even want them to know about it, just so they knew I was apologizing, nothing more, nothing less.
But during the Monday lunch, when I had everything ready to say...I just couldn't do it. My heart rate was doubling, I was getting light headed and sort of dizzy. I would have enjoyed it, if I didn't have something important to say. So I just said sorry, and walked away.
In the courtyard I was greeted by Grace and Strasz.
I know they don't forgive me, they're just sorry it took a death of someone for me to say that to them.
But I said what I needed to and they could continue feeling the same way.

The finals were a bummer, but they were easy.
Then a few days later, I had parties to attend.
Audrey's/Chuck Chuck's bonfire and D Robb's Grad party.
They were nice, calming, too.
But then Sunday passed and all the fun summer was supposed to be collapsed into a big event of boredom.
P Money and Sara were going to go up to Capac, where they would stay for a lengthy amount of time, which Patrick would end up going to Florida for another good amount of time.
K Sizzle was going vacationing with Strasz for a week.
Sudney's parents are never reliable when it comes to him having some sort of life outside of babysitting or being used as a slave.
Hero's seventeen, sure, but he has no job, no way to make it out on his own, so he's still stuck with his mother.
Dre, she's the only one I can really count on, we're both in the same pit. The only sad thing is that her mom can be a bit unfair, so even hanging out with her is a bit tough. That, and she has work.
And then Mom and Patrick talked and said that I could leave to go to Capac for a week, but then I found out the day I left, would be the day right before K Sizzle left, and the day I would come back, would be the day after she would end up going on another vacation for a good amount of time.
But I might leave on a later day or something.
Not sure.

Ah, I almost forgot to say...
I'm thinking that I might just become anorexic this summer.
It's not because I'm using it as a way to lose the weight I need to lose, it's because I'm a pathetic excuse for a person.
I'm going to be too lazy to cook anything, and everything in my fridge is something I either don't like, or requires cooking.
And since I'm fending for myself.
I'm not going to bother with any of that.
Anorexia, here I come!
How fun.

We'll see how often I update this...